I do think of this blog as kind of a diary, a way for me to look back upon my adventures within photography in years to come, but there is always that awareness that it goes out to the public, it is inevitably censored in parts, to represent me in the way perhaps I wish to be seen for the sake of my “career”, how much should you share?.
It is a very interesting thing an online persona, I remember when I first met my now partner Scott Morgan, to me he was a Rankin figure, his online persona showed him as a cool man living a bachelor lifestyle in his apartment over looking the sea, spending much of his time on glamorous photo shoots with beautiful woman. This image of Scott was soon to be shattered, I remember pulling up outside of his apartment block that first time, he had agreed for me to shadow him on a shoot, so inspired by his work I was, I had contacted him by email and asked if I could do so, he had especially arranged a Model and MUA for me, I remember checking the address he had given me, this couldn’t be right, this was not a glamorous apartment block, this looked like council flats? I will never forget I texted my best friend “if I don’t call you in 15 minutes, it’s because I am dead!”, Scott came to the door and expecting James Bond suave, I was very surprised to discover a ditzy, silly guy with a Bristol accent! Needless to say I didn’t die, we went on to have an awesome day together, one of those you spend with someone and you just click! 🙂
Image above of us on that very first day 🙂
So I saw this picture the other day, it was one of those meaningful quotes,
“If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph”
Well that made me smile to myself, it had me well sussed and going back to the “how much should you share?”, here is a thought I believe many of us may have had at one time or another, but wouldn’t dare share it, my biggest fear is of losing my mind, as a woman I suffer the terrible hormones we all do, the more woman I speak to the more I realise we all secretly believe we are a bit mental!
Now if you are really unfortunate your partners will have you believe that too, reinforce your fear! My ex partner and I were together for 12 years, from the age of 16, I had no experience of being in a relationship, I didn’t know it was normal for woman to be a bit crazy from time to time, my partner suffered two breakdowns during our relationship, due to his own personal issues, the second time was the breaking point, after 9 months of his denial and his constant telling me that I was in fact crazy and needed help, I started to believe it, this was when I finally found the courage to pack a bag and leave, I did it for my own sanity – literally! I was such a private person, I never talked to anyone about the problems I had in my relationship, my own Mum was shocked to learn I had been so unhappy for so long.
It is so refreshing to be with Scott who tells me off for calling myself crazy “you’re just a woman and I have dealt with far worse”, opening up to other woman they reveal the same back to me, they believe they are a bit mental, the biggest part of me wants to scream it out, we are all messed up in our very own special way, that is normal!!! The more I realise how normal it is to be a bit mental, the less mental I feel!
And so “If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph”, I do feel it is time to stop telling the story of that fear, which was such a big part of my life for so many years.
My recent shoot with Allegra Mabel was such a turning point for me, The MUA Nicola Lles did such incredible job, it really affected me seeing Allegra like that, the mother in me wanted to scoop her up and clean her wounds, I walked into another room and said to Scott “I think i’ve taken it to far this time”
My Dad told me the images looked like something from a crime scene, which is so not the story I was trying to tell, Scott was assisting me on the shoot and he suggested I get some shots in a disused warehouse which I absolutely didn’t want to do as it told a very different story. I built the set from waste, which had been fly-tipped on the site, a disused quarry, there were children’s toys left there, again I couldn’t use any of those as it told a very different story, one that nobody should ever have to tell. Putting Allegra into the scene was so bizarre, it all looked so believable, Scott was in a particularly silly mood that day, interrupting the shoot constantly with silliness, we have a strange connection Scott and I, a little bit twin like, his silliness was exactly what I needed at that moment 🙂
The images were inspired by the film “the impossible”, I was really interested in the idea of losing everything, maybe it had a huge amount to do with when I left my partner, I took only a suitcase with some clothes for my daughter and I, nothing else, I was a homeless single mother and emotionally battered, I see that life now much like a film I once watched and didn’t much like, I am in such an incredibly different place now and I am such a different person. Art is a therapy indeed, photography has been an amazing release for me, I hope I can start telling stories of dreams, joy and beauty in the near future, I am in a happy and safe place now 🙂
Visit my Facebook page for credits of the above images and to follow my photography journey 🙂